Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
