I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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