New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
