I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
