every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
