Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
now i know why i became what i already was.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
