Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I said "one day" and that day is not today
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
