Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
