I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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