bring money and cleavage
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
