rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
