i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
