She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
