new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
