Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Randomize
