I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
