Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
