Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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