I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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