So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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