I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
