just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
