yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
