That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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