While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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