Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
