there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
