i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
