he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
