I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
