Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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