The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
