i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
