Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
