How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
