Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
