oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
