Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
