Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
