I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You did what with his pubic hair?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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