I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
