all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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