This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
