i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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