This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
