k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
