I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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