Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Fuck appropriateness.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
