First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
