all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
